Cold feet and jitters.

Amidst all the wedding hype, I had moments when my happy thoughts were held back by some unnecessary uncertainties and anxieties. Im not sure if that’s what they call cold feet but it’s giving me a few restless nights in a row for couple of occasion. It puts me in low moods for no apparent reason. I just couldn’t place the main contributor to this.

Could it be the stress and pressure from all the planning? Probably it’s the money issues? Or the fear of an impending false hope or unexpected turn of events? Wedding jitters are supposed to be mild and healthy in a sense. Some believe it could be a more serious cause; that you are having doubts and second thoughts about the wedding.

After the first engagement with my ex-fiance, i had serious problem with my pre-wedding jitters that i broke down a couple of times. I thought it was perfectly normal to feel that way. Besides, jitters are vastly common experiences amongst all brides- and grooms-to-be. But, it escalated to a point when I had constant insecurities and felt detached with all the planning because of issues that never had a proper closure. My ex fiance is a man of few words and one who is not in touch with his feelings or mine, whereas i hunger for all the attention and affection in a relationship. Honestly, we never had a heart to heart conversation and he never talked about his pasts (which made it difficult for me to understand him). Then i ask myself, why should i be deprived of it? I thought of how depressing my future will be sleeping with a man i barely know after 6 years!

So that’s the end of it. It was the most difficult period for me. 3 months before the supposed wedding date, i had to deal with people asking me about the wedding progression and i had to subtly veer my way through to escape interrogation. Since i was the party who called off the wedding, i know how the whole world looked at me. I could see all fingers pointing, like I’m the bad guy, i am stupid, it’s my loss. I’ve shamed the family name. But it was a relief and, believe it or not, i feel that it was something i should have done way before.

So, back to the present, the jitters I’ve been having is nothing like the previous ones. Good jitters, i should say. I have no worries for my future after the wedding with mr fiance. He is an exceptionally loving person who doesn’t feel ashamed of expressing his affection (which i like!). We talked openly about past encounters from the love crushes to ex-partners and share a lot of common interest together. The fact that we are on the same wavelength in our perception and thinking, we appreciate each other’s differences and solve disagreements amicably. It felt like we had known each other for a long time.

Well, i can safely say that, perhaps, whatever im going through is just normal. maybe it’s my bridal nerves cracking up into a bridezilla. LOL! silly i know. I am undoubtedly thankful for this wonderful journey. i hope that despite the hiccups or whatever bumps there may be, me and my dearest will hold strong to bring this relationship into a whole new level.. Insyallah.

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