Shelter over head

I don’t understand why is it so hard to find a decent home in Singapore. Why has there been a surge of applicants doubling up to the number of units offered. Yes, I know the population has tremendously increased for the few years and somehow everyone is pointing fingers blaming the government for the leniency to foreigners’ entitlement or lack of vision to housing problems. I don’t give a freaking damn about any of it.

It’s really frustrating to be disappointed over and over again when you find out that you didnt get the balloted queue number within the number of units that are available. I think Singapore is the only country that has this stupid balloting system – just saying unless I honestly have better suggestions. Worse of all, every unit is shrinking in size and the price has gotten sky rocketed high. I almost give up hope!

I’m not being ungrateful for what my life has given me or the fact that I still DO have a shelter over my head with mom, but I do want to be able to bring up my kids in my own home. A space where you can enjoy privacy and ownership. I wonder if anyone EVER understands my ranting over this. Sigh.

Me and fiancé are considering resale flat if our next application does not get through and that will be next best alternative to fit both our preference and financial needs.

I’ve been surveying a couple of flats online which carry more than what we ask for with low cash up fronts, ALOT spacious and cost almost the same as BTOs. The only setback about resale flat is you are unlikely to find a house that suits your personal taste or concept and you’ll have to end up paying more for renovation works due to hacking etc. But that is my least worry, really. As long as I have a place to call my own home, I can make do with anything to feel comfortable.

Cold feet and jitters.

Amidst all the wedding hype, I had moments when my happy thoughts were held back by some unnecessary uncertainties and anxieties. Im not sure if that’s what they call cold feet but it’s giving me a few restless nights in a row for couple of occasion. It puts me in low moods for no apparent reason. I just couldn’t place the main contributor to this.

Could it be the stress and pressure from all the planning? Probably it’s the money issues? Or the fear of an impending false hope or unexpected turn of events? Wedding jitters are supposed to be mild and healthy in a sense. Some believe it could be a more serious cause; that you are having doubts and second thoughts about the wedding.

After the first engagement with my ex-fiance, i had serious problem with my pre-wedding jitters that i broke down a couple of times. I thought it was perfectly normal to feel that way. Besides, jitters are vastly common experiences amongst all brides- and grooms-to-be. But, it escalated to a point when I had constant insecurities and felt detached with all the planning because of issues that never had a proper closure. My ex fiance is a man of few words and one who is not in touch with his feelings or mine, whereas i hunger for all the attention and affection in a relationship. Honestly, we never had a heart to heart conversation and he never talked about his pasts (which made it difficult for me to understand him). Then i ask myself, why should i be deprived of it? I thought of how depressing my future will be sleeping with a man i barely know after 6 years!

So that’s the end of it. It was the most difficult period for me. 3 months before the supposed wedding date, i had to deal with people asking me about the wedding progression and i had to subtly veer my way through to escape interrogation. Since i was the party who called off the wedding, i know how the whole world looked at me. I could see all fingers pointing, like I’m the bad guy, i am stupid, it’s my loss. I’ve shamed the family name. But it was a relief and, believe it or not, i feel that it was something i should have done way before.

So, back to the present, the jitters I’ve been having is nothing like the previous ones. Good jitters, i should say. I have no worries for my future after the wedding with mr fiance. He is an exceptionally loving person who doesn’t feel ashamed of expressing his affection (which i like!). We talked openly about past encounters from the love crushes to ex-partners and share a lot of common interest together. The fact that we are on the same wavelength in our perception and thinking, we appreciate each other’s differences and solve disagreements amicably. It felt like we had known each other for a long time.

Well, i can safely say that, perhaps, whatever im going through is just normal. maybe it’s my bridal nerves cracking up into a bridezilla. LOL! silly i know. I am undoubtedly thankful for this wonderful journey. i hope that despite the hiccups or whatever bumps there may be, me and my dearest will hold strong to bring this relationship into a whole new level.. Insyallah.

Dark sides

Had a chat with a colleague at work the other day about a young Malay girl in her early 20s who came to the department with her bloated stomach for 3 months after giving birth. According to her parents, she hadn’t been herself, reserved and hostile, and vomiting blood since then. They had brought her to see many physicians before but they still couldnt find the cause to treat her. She later died after a day or two in the hospital.

Recently, I encountered a similar complaint from a 29 years old patient. She had been vomiting blood for couple of weeks but no signs of distention. She was discharged against medical advice from another hospital 2 days earlier and was forced to come to us for further treatment by her family and friends. She obviously looked pale and weak due to the tremendous blood loss, her lips were badly cracked with dried blood and her eyes were dirty yellow. Initially, i thought she probabaly has some autoimmune disease or kidney problem but later found out that she has no known medical history. She was a healthy person before this. The doctors were as clueless and puzzled at her blood results but still couldnt get a provisional diagnosis. She was sent to the ICA.

i didnt think of anything out of the usual. As a healthcare provider, we treat patients based on their clinical assessment and follow their progress as per protoccol. And being me, i’m a super practical person. in other words, im not so kolot la kan. Although i know such phenomenon exists, i am unlikely to give “supernatural” a priority to every reasons or stories. Adalah orang yang sikit2 benda jadi tak baik jer, cakap kene buat orang la bomoh la etc etc.

However, these two stories are no coincidental and teased my skeptical thinking. I wonder what this two women have done to deserve such sufferings. Kadang2, jadi manusia ni susah.. Jadi baik org jeles, jadi jahat org benci.. haiz. I know it’s a sin for us to believe such karut but “black magic” comes from way before and still possible in the modern world. Ishk seliseh! i pray that we avoid such evil doings and deeds, and embrace the teaching of Islam and only in Him we seek help and guidance.